On a recent visit to Tucson, a man I’ve known for 45 years, asked me how everything was up north. I supposed he was assuming that we were still living in the mountains. Oddly, we had been living in Tucson for two years and I had seen him on many occasions during that time. Rather than backtrack and bring him up-to-date on our gypsy lifestyle, I simply said that we were in the East Valley now. That we had a home there that we had purchased a few years before in a retirement community and we were sleeping in it…although I wasn’t sure you could call it living.
When I left his store, I took a deep breath and thought about what I’d said.
I have always been blunt and let the thoughts I have flow freely into speech, often to be shocked myself at what comes out. This was one of those times.
I am not living the life I want to be living.
That is a shocking reality as it is something new for me. I have had adventures and misadventures, many unwelcome learning experiences, some hard knocks…but, I always was living where I wanted to be living, doing what I wanted to be doing…with zeal.
I am fading into anonymity.
I have been a lot of things in my life but “anonymous” is not one of them.
I am becoming increasingly aware that so many of the people I encounter are suffering the same dilemma.
We’ve been busy…really busy…doing work that mattered…rearing children…taking care of a home, a family, a community….being pulled in all directions by obligations and responsibilities and wondering if it will ever stop…if there can ever be peace…if we can ever just be left alone.
Yes. You can be alone in a busy world.
Move to a retirement community that’s safe from children, 8-5 schedules, volunteering, ballgames, concerts, church, hurried lunches with friends to catch up, celebrating all of the holidays, actually buying and receiving gifts, decorating the house, cooking special meals, planning vacations, always needing to look your best.
All of that is over.
Oh, you can still create that world for yourself. There is a Lifestyle Director who will accommodate you. You name it…you can sign up for it.
But, it is not real life. It is fake life.
There are no rewards…no recognition…no feedback…and it is managed by people your children’s’ ages that are impatient with people their parents’ ages. They are quicker, smarter and more energetic than we are. They have worked very hard to get away from their parents and their rules. Now they have to bring a bunch of people together who are just like their parents and entertain them. A wrong career choice for the majority of them.
It is abundantly apparent that the programs they brag about are not well attended. There is always a stream of portal posts trying to entice those of us breathing (notice I didn’t say living) in our little vanilla boxes, to “register in advance at the community center” for one event or another so that they know how many to expect. Invariably these posts are followed by a lament that the event had to be cancelled because of lack of interest.
Is it possible that they only advertise these activities to entice potential buyers so that they can sell homes? Hum-m-m. Freethinkers don’t apply!
The skills you need:
Stop talking because no one cares what you have to say.
No make-up or trendy hairstyle (they’ll snicker behind your back that you’re trying to look younger).
Face the fact that your body is what you’ve made it. You ain’t gonna change it…diet, exercise. Ha! Watch the Athletic Director roll his eyes when you tell him the goals you wish to accomplish at the gym.
Learn to enjoy isolation.
Entertain yourselves with cocktail conversation speculating on what your neighbors are doing.
Take up bird-watching.
Take a shower and brush your teeth everyday. Old people smell.
Find good older doctors and dentists to visit. You have to pay them to give you attention but it’s better than no attention at all. They are better at feigning interest in you than younger doctors.
Make scheduled appointments in the morning so you can plan a lunch out afterwards.
Always accompany your husband to the hardware store. You get a little fresh air and exercise and might get another lunch out.
Walk to the mailbox. More fresh air and exercise.
Don’t wear your pajamas to walk the dog.
Sweep the sidewalk.
Let your kids call you…and hope they do.
Don’t give advice unless you’re asked for it and then tell them what they want to hear.
No attempts at humor. No one gets it!
No shopping in stores. Order everything you need online. Another reason you don’t have to leave the house. The world is too dangerous.
Stop taking risks.
Lock everything all the time!!!
The man who prompted this rant has been in the same business, in the same town, in almost the same location for 45 years. He looks the same, talks the same, wears the same clothes, same jewelry (70s gold chains, diamond rings, etc.), always asks if I want to talk to Betty, his wife, and calls her virtually every time I’m in the store so I can talk to her.
He’s a steady guy.
Is he “living?”
Probably no more than I am.
Wow. Grim picture here. I don't know how isolated your housing development is, but surely there are some creative ways to "bloom where you are planted". Just the challenge of finding ways to express yourself (yourselves?) is focus-worthy. Blogging is a good start.
ReplyDeleteThis is a challenge similar to what pretty much everyone - retiree or whomever - has the opportunity to address. Be well and best wishes.